mythoughtsxactly's posterous http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com My random thoughts on life and how it operates :) posterous.com Thu, 30 Aug 2012 23:49:36 -0700 seriously... http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/seriously http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/seriously I can't believe I seriously love him. I'm not sure if I'm in love with him... Everytime we talk it's like my love for him is activated. I love to listen to him and to talk. Laugh with him and at him. Touch him and be touched. And just know that he feels the same. He's not what I dreamed for me, but he seems to be what's real for me. I do love him, and that's all there is to it.

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Sat, 21 May 2011 19:13:06 -0700 My Apologies http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/my-apologies http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/my-apologies I'm sorry that my involuntary absense expedited our separation. But it seemed that even my presence would not have haulted this inevitable happening. For though our time shared was truly unforgettable, they existed through false pretenses. We were not the lovers we had feined ourselves into believing we were. We were simply two kids - searching for love by overcomplicating a friendship. I apologize for my foolish cognition and wait patiently, considering the unlikely possibility that we will continue our relationship in the years ahead.

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Thu, 10 Mar 2011 11:06:50 -0800 puppet http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/puppet http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/puppet I feel like a puppet. Going through motions just because they're laid out for me. Like I'm walking down a path that's been walked on, run on, trampled on a BillioN times. This trail is boring...
I need to make a new trail. I NEED to make a new one. My OwN trail.
Maybe it's my "Black Panther" stage in life or something but for now, that's what I need. A journey. An expedition. My goal - to find my purpose.

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Sun, 20 Feb 2011 16:44:00 -0800 MawMaw http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/mawmaw http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/mawmaw

Don't speak to her like that.

All the years she's spoken to you.

Never letting her manners slip

You never caught her off her game.

 

She used to be perfect.

Never slouching; legs crossed.

The only time her shoulders dropped were when she dropped down to pick me up.

She sat with her legs crossed, and taught me to cross mine.

"You look like a boy."

She never sugar-coated ANYTHING...

Still. She was perfect.

So don't speak to her like that.

Don't you remember the meals she cooked? For YoU?

The sacrifices she made to make and keep her family happy?

How dare you.

She fixed me a grapefruit.

Yes, just a grapefruit.

But I remember it now, 14 years later.

In my sickness she catered to me.

She gave me her bed to lie in, even though Price is Right was on..

So don't speak to her like that.

She is the strongest woman I know.

I'd never seen her cry.                     Never seen her upset.

She gave and gave and gave and gave, never ONCE asking for Anything in return.

                She wouldn't accept if you tried.

Her house was our house; it still is.

Grand Central Station we often call it.

Never was there a day without visitors, yes, visitorS - plural.

So don't speak to her like that.

True, her words don't come out right anymore,

"How you doin' MawMaw?"             "Yes, it was."

"Are you hungry MawMaw?"            "I think he did.."

True, she doesn't reach for my niece the way she reached for me.

Her unmatched strength replaced now by unbelievable weakness.

True, you are the one feeding her now.

      Wiping her mouth

           Sitting her up straight

               Catering...

But don't speak to her like that,

Don't you think she deserves a little reciprocity?

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Fri, 11 Feb 2011 22:22:00 -0800 Fear http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/fear http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/fear

Falling.
It's sick, really.
For me at least.
See, I didnt know what was happening, just that it did. without warning or a safety net to land in.
But I didnt care.
Cuz the way I was falling, the trip down, had me thinking it was right.
Had me thinking that everything was going as planned...
That the pure white sun and blazing yellow moon were in perfect harmony.
Made me think the stars were in the sky, s c a t t e r e d, yes, but only because they didn't quite Know how to spell out Your name and put it right next to mine.
...but it wasn't. 
It was obvious in the looks I got from my peers, the words from my friends, the scorn from my Family...
And what was worse - I didn't care; I didn't want to climb up.
If everything were to stay as perfectly imperfect as it was - the collapsing World around us - it was Fine by me.
But...
He had to make a name for himself.
He had to show me that he could climb back to the top without so much as a Scar.                         no Bruises,                                                                                                                                     No broken bones.
Had to make me feel like it was my fault for falling without the certainty of my strength to climb Back up.

So now I gather myself.

Remembering to tie both shoes before going out.

Remembering to step over any cracks in the ground.

Always remembering...

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Sat, 22 Jan 2011 09:53:00 -0800 family + friends = Fands! http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/family-friends-fands http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/family-friends-fands

I just made that up, literally. I kow it's lame but you'll understand once you read this...IF you read this.

So. Last night was a very eventful night for reasons that will go unmentioned. However, my friends were there with and for me the entire time though. Which got me thinking:

Everyone says friends are so important 'cause you need someone to talk to and share love with and yada yada. Which is, in part, true. But in reality, you can talk to your family like that. Sure most people don't and some don't have a family. However, you (or at least I) reach a point in a friendship where you share love for your friends. And, in my opinion, that love makes them familiy. They have all the qualities that a member of your family has and you see them [if you attend the same school of course] almost everyday! As you do your family. My point is, I rely on my family for a number of things including support, love, guidance, and help and I [maybe not "you"] rely on my friends for the same. My friends are my family.

 

Maybe I am just going along with what everyone else already says, but I just realized it for myself. I wanted to write this. Do you agree?

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Sat, 08 Jan 2011 18:13:00 -0800 whEre were You? http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/where-were-you http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/where-were-you

Where were you today when I needed you??

You were no where to be found. Today when I found out that my cousin was killed over a senseless argument with her mentally messed up boyfriend? And, more upsetting, that her TWO daughters were in the house when it happened? I looked for you, not so much to cry to, but at least to complain to. whY is this the 4th family member I've lost in 2 months? There is H A T E in my city [{now more than ever maybe}] and everywhere, really. Now that I need YoU, I can't find you. You don't even care...

My head knows this, but my heart won't accept it. I feel like my head and my heart are making me crazy. I say crazy 'cause one day I'll be over your bullsh-t and ready to ignore you and treat you in the same heartless manner you treat me. But then, with enough "i love you"s and "i miss you"s I'm right back to folding to your every request.

I don't quite understand it so I wouldn''t blame you if you're confused. Just know that I needed you, today like other days, and you weren't here.

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Fri, 31 Dec 2010 22:59:00 -0800 my New Year's Proposal http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/my-new-years-proposal http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/my-new-years-proposal

Happy New Year to anyone who may or may not read this!

        Its crazy how stupid I feel; I JUST realized that a new year means a new journey, a new experience. And how even though, technically, we cant "start all over" for a new year, we should still apply that thinking to our lives! No, it wont be exactly like school where you begin each semester with a 100 - perfect. 'Cause maybe you'll still have that job you hate, that class you didn't pass. Maybe you wont get any wealthier or more popular just because the last number in the date changed. BUT! Suppose you come to the realization that God has blessed you with life, health, and sanity just long enough for you to see at LEAST the start of another year! And suppose that will give you motivation to work harder, possibly impressing your boss and earning you some "cred."
        Suppose you take that same knowledge and try your best, even if that includes posting sticky-note reminders all over, to stay focused on not only that one RIDICULOUS class, but all of them! And suppose your improvement gets you recognition that could lead to a scholarship! Then what? Suppose you come into this year with a good attitude just to see how far it gets you?

I don't see any harm in that...what do you say?

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Sun, 26 Dec 2010 21:50:00 -0800 the Beauty in Music http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/the-beauty-in-music http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/the-beauty-in-music

The beat.

Rhythmic.

Baseline either slow and steady, or fast and thumpin’. Piano flows through my ears from the background – quiet, so only heard in the breakdown. Guitar chimes in and hits notes no one can imitate through plain vocals – m a g i c.

Snare fills in snaps for every time you forget the lyrics or need to catch your breath. It never leaves you hangin’.

These sounds combine to create the most perfect melody just waiting, pleading for someone to cover them; tame them.

 

The voice.

Obligated, as by uninformed consent, it glides onto the track. Provides breaks and harmonies wherever the melody guides it.

Emerging as Powerful...or as Gentle...or as Sincere as necessary to create a mix unprecedented by A N Y other creation.

 

The relationship between a beat and Her artist can elicit any feeling ever described, never described. The relationship IS the emotion. This IS passion. This IS desire. This IS heartache. This IS love.

 

THIS is Beauty.

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Thu, 23 Dec 2010 22:15:00 -0800 First "poem" [no title] http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/first-poem-no-title http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/first-poem-no-title

my Words.Desires.Actions were confined to my mind.

my tongue held captive by my Unconscious.

my arms became as heavy as the world Atlas carries.

if i had the strength to touch you, i would. kiss you, i would.

tell you what you do to me, for me.

my words would speak to you like a storytellers', and you would explode.

easing my hysteria, you would tell me that you felt the same as i. for as long as i...longer than i.

we would share our Desires.Words...

giving our Actions courage to take control.

and our s e p a r a t e bodies would be satisfied with just the presence of the others.

nothing less [{or more}] than a Tell All kiss would suffice our physical needs, and we would continue on our day.

hand in hand.

into a world of Possibility.

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Wed, 22 Dec 2010 11:42:42 -0800 i ~~ 4 u. http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/i-4-u http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/i-4-u I write for you.
I never knew it until now, at 2:54 a.m.
I always thought my writing style, as genuine as I liked to call it, was MY creativity shining, like that I see in each of my siblings. I felt it was a quality that I simply "lacked."
But in writing my last..."story," in trying to discover and create the perfect marriage of words, of spacing and physical appearance more so than punctuation and grammar, instantaneously, as if the image had just passed my eyes, I remembered the exact visual structure of the poem that You wrote about Me.
Your distinct font- size and shape- and clever indentations, skillful synonyms, analogous patterns and surprisingly meaningful artwork that accompanied and complemented your words amazed me beyond comprehension.
I never saw You as complicated; intricately designed; with layers. I never looked beyond the superficial, despite the strength of our bond, until being presented with Your words. I took you for face-value - figured all I saw was all I'd get.
And now, the small and meaningless glory that I've come to find, WrongfullY, for myself, you strip away.
Without so much as a warning...without a care...without a thought even

So as to quietly slip away, again, from my love.

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Fri, 17 Dec 2010 10:59:00 -0800 airplane mode http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/airplane-mode http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/airplane-mode There was absolutely, beyond any doubt, a kid-like and overwhelming bit of emotion that came over me from the moment we pulled off. The reality of FLYING! As common as the action now is, to take part in such, for yourself, is nothing short of thrilling.
The descent past the clouds was not breath-taking, as I unconsciously allowed a "Whoa..." to slip out of my rather wide lips. Though I felt the passenger in front of me glance back in disbelief, I couldn't help but to gaze in awe; press my hand against the window.
A field of white as far as I could see, every now and then parted by plane tracks; hypnotizing. "What ifs?" and "I wish's" erode your mind as you feel dangerously close to the sun and even closer to The Exception.

Somewhere past the nausea, ear-ache, and almost nose-bleed, the descent begins. The pilot zig-zags through the air, dropping lower and lower with each turn. Land now replacing cloud as well as your SuperHuman feeling. Reality strikes and you fall back into your regular, ordinary, (boring) self.

leaving your out-of-body experience in the clouds...

~ comments welcome ~

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Mon, 13 Dec 2010 09:57:08 -0800 FAIR?? http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/fair http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/fair fair?? its the end of the semester and i tried to sell my books back for "Ca$h" ;) No.
Denied.
Its bad enough that the "deal" is to recieve HALF of (and sometimes less than) the amount yu paid for the book, but nOw, they tell you they're "upgrading to a better book and will not buy yours" which is SOMEWHAT understandable...i guess.
the other excuse, my favorite, is that "they dont need anymore." -_-
this has happened now with 1, 2, 3 of my books from this past semester.
so i started thinking about how unfair that was.
then i realized that the purpose of college is to prepare us for the real world - that IT is unfair, so Deal.
which of course made me question further where the unfairness plays in.
and i've found this - that all kinds of institutions around us, prior to college, are unfair.
it is unfair of them to cradle us in a mindset regarding fair treatment of others - kind language, kind behavior.
it is unfair of society to baby and brainwash us into believing in fairness and equality when once we've "grown up" (turned 18 according to society) we are FORCED to accustom ourselves of the exact opposite!
"if you want something in life, go get it. no one will give it to you."
"yu have to conform to certain ways of society in order to move up the social ladder"
...
how dare they make us believe in a world of unity, equality, love, opportunity, eternity, wealth, health - FAIRNESS!!
if the plan is to STRIP those ideas all at once??

[Granted, this was written purely out of anger, so some ideals (religion) were not taken into account.]

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Sun, 12 Dec 2010 22:43:00 -0800 nothing speciaL http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/nothing-special http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/nothing-special

so i have this best friend.
dont get me wrong, shes honestly the best friend i've had, but she always avoids telling me her deep thoughts.
she cares enough to start a conversation,
inquire about my feelings,
relationships,
family,
...
but it used to be that when i would try to reciprocate the concern, she would close up, put her guard up or something.

so we got past the surface, and she now admits to her feelings. HOWEVER, when i try to really understand and ask questions, really grasp the situation, she reverts back to closing up.
like i said, this is "nothing speciaL"
just a failed attempt at reciprocation i suppose...

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Mon, 06 Dec 2010 22:20:14 -0800 .venting. http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/venting http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/venting When you find the man you love, he can do no wrong. Until that instance where you begin to wonder...why would he do that? Was it something I did to provoke it or was that just something he does that I never knew he did.
Then it happens again.
This provokes your first fight.
The fight broadcasts your emotions and love for each other - which ensures your first make-up.
As time goes on, you begin to fall, deeper and deeper until you reach the point where you know, without a doubt, you're truly in love.
He does it again.
And again...
And again.
Finally you realize you can't take it, decide to look out for yourself, and let go.
This KILLS you inside, but you think this is best.
And besides - once your mind is made up, there's no going back, for the sole sake of keeping your word.
Every. single. time you see him you think of the times you used to share.
What you used to do.
How much you're still in love...But you also think of why it can no longer be.
Because it alone is what's keeping you from apologizing and getting things back to what you had.
Back to perfection.

Time passes.
You Ignore.
You Forget.
You Move On.
It becomes easier but no sooner than it takes seasons to change..
You feel as though you owe yourself the chance to move on, to be happy and to find another.
Then you see him.
Moved on.
Happy.
With another.
Wasn't this supposed to happen? Didn't you tell yourself he wasn't right for you? Didn't you make the request to move on? Yes..
So again the process begins.
Forget.
Ignore.
Move on.
Nothing else to do.
You've made your decision and so has he.

Dec 28, 2009

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Mon, 06 Dec 2010 21:55:15 -0800 motivatioN http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/motivation http://mythoughtsxactly.posterous.com/motivation Motivational speeches and similar events should be reinforced not only annualy, but daily until one finds self-motivation (internal incentive) (own motivation) to be uniquley and wonderfully his own.

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